New Day, New Mercies

Lamentations 3:22-25
"The LORD's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Thy faithfulness.  'The LORD is my portion', says my soul, 'Therefore I have hope in Him.'  The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him."

A feeling of excitement has entered my heart....excitement for what God is going to do next in our life!  Every day, every trial, brings us one step closer to the plan God has for us.  Our hope is in Him as our eyes & our hearts are focused heavenward.

Heartache...

These last 7 days have been an emotional roller-coaster for our family....I first imagined this post would be one of surprise and excitement to all our friends, then the roller-coaster immediately (and unexpectedly) dropped and turned our "ride" into complete heartache...

A week ago exactly we got a call, totally out of the blue, asking us if we'd like to adopt a baby boy who would be born in just 2 days.  And what do you think our answer was?  "ABSOLUTELY"!  So we sat down with the birthfamily the very next evening and talked through all the adoption details, how sure the 14 yr.old birthmom was with this decision (100% was the answer we got over and over), how best to protect the birthmom from bonding with the baby, why these decisions are made before the post-pardum emotions hit, the legal side of things, etc. etc.  It was an amazing evening full of honesty, love, understanding; even joy - on our part - as we plan the quick arrival of our child.

I was invited to go with the birthfamily to the last doctor appointment the very next morning, which the doctor told her to walk right across the street and get checked in - the baby was going to be induced right away!  I was there, just the birthmom and myself, for about 3 hours getting her checked in, gown on, iv's in, heart monitor beautifully beating away the heart beat of our son....

After a long and exhausting, yet joyful day, this beautiful baby boy was born at 11:00pm.  The three of us couldn't get to the hospital soon enough the next day to meet him.  It was an amazing, yet awkward, time of meeting our son.  God had beautifully answered our 3 year long plea for a child...at least that's what we thought at the moment...

The very next day began the sudden turn of events...without giving you any details, the birthmom has decided to keep the baby.

Our heart is aching.  We held this baby, fed him, changed his diaper, stroked his hair, took pictures, and even named him.  And now he is gone from us.  The tears continue to flow, our heart continues to break, and we are planning a tough conversation with Colin as to why his brother won't be coming home.  The pain of loosing our son is great...but God's grace is bringing us peace in the midst...

We rest in God's grace today, and everyday, and trust His plan completely!  There's a bigger battle going on - a spiritual one - and I've been reading this verse constantly the last couple of days - Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."  God is GREAT and His plan for us is GREAT.  We place ourselves in His arms and are comforted by His love.  Our faith is strong and unbreakable.

So now, as I pack up the bassinet, clothes, carseat, baby bottles, and formula, I am praying for our child - the one God will bring us in His perfect timing.  We are asking if God wills, to have this child come into our home as soon as possible.  Our heart aches for more children and we know that that ache is from the Lord.  So we wait.  We wait, knowing that God is fighting for us.  We wait, knowing that God is working, even when we can't see it.

We are $2,000 closer to our goal to be able to sign a contract with Lifetime Adoption Center.  Will you please help us?  We still need $18,000.

We would appreciate your prayers as we put our pain in God's hands to ease it away the way He desires.  Now we add "1 failed adoption" to our list of trials God has graciously allowed us to go through to grow us closer to Him and to hopefully use it to minister to someone else hurting.

On a side note, when we were asked to adopt this baby, Dustin brought me home beautiful white tulips to celebrate.  And it was very fitting that yesterday, those tulips wilted...

Fairytales

Here's a small peek through the window of my heart...

Today I woke up and realized that I'm struggling with discontentment. So all day I've been trying to refocus my mind and heart on the great blessings in my life:  my forgiveness & relationship with God through Jesus Christ (huge)!  my amazing husband who truly loves me the way Christ loves the Church (huge)! our little miracle boy (huge)! my happy home life, my role as wife & mom & homemaker, my family and friends - all huge!  I truly have nothing to be "in want of"...and yet my heart struggles.  I feel silly.  We all have days like this right?  We don't always talk about them, but we all have them.

At lunch, Colin surprised me by making us a picnic area in the middle of the living room out of blankets, pillows, and even a lamp :) and asked to watch a movie together while we ate (I love these fun little moments that happen throughout our day).  I picked "Cinderella" for us to watch.....(it was Colin's first time seeing it...oh, and don't tell Dustin!  I know he'd rather have us watch, well, anything else!  ha).  So as pumpkins were turning into carriages, mice into horses, and rags into beauty, my heart half wished that dreams came true as easy as "Bibbity, Bobbity, Boo!" and the fitting of a simple glass slipper!

And then I came across an article that a friend recommended of a completely different subject (click here to view) and my heart was challenged, encouraged, and reminded of God's incredible truths and what my heart and mind needs to focus on.  Here is what touched my heart:

"Taking note of answered prayers is the best antidote I know for overcoming the forlorn assumption that your own prayers go unanswered. Soon you will see an abundance of prayers are answered every day, which balances out the long wait for other prayer requests." 

"if we are still alive, the story of God’s grace in our lives is still being written. We don’t know the future. Only He knows the beginning from the end (Is. 46:10 and Rev. 21:6) and so it is arrogant to assume we can survey our circumstances and conclude we know what God is doing. (See: Naomi. A woman who was so very sure God’s hand was against her that she wanted to be called “Bitter.” But as she stood complaining, she had no idea that God was already at work to provide food, a kinsman-redeemer, an heir, and even far more unexpectedly, a place in the lineage of her Savior!)" 

"Philippians 4:4-7 makes this very clear: “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This passage makes it very easy for us to understand that all we can do is pray, be thankful, and avoid anxiousness, which leads to bitterness. We’re not in charge of the answers. We’re in charge of the petitions. So, petition away!"

"But be thankful in those petitions. Since we’re not the omniscient, omnipotent, perfect, holy, just, and merciful Being in these transactions, we get to be the grateful recipients. All the time. Without ceasing. “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thes. 5:16-18)."

"What circumstances do you find yourself in today? Give thanks and pray without ceasing. For as we keep our eyes on Him and praise Him in all circumstances (the good, the happy, the hard, the confusing, the horrifying), we silence the Accuser, the one who exists to blame God for not being good and blame us for not being good enough."

"Of this I am supremely confident: When we see our Savior and Redeemer face to face, we will not regret being thankful for trusting Him, even in circumstances we could not control and would not have chosen. We will see then by the light of His glory all that He was doing in and through those very moments. What seemed like unanswered prayer will be set against the grand tapestry of His grace coursing through history. We will see what He was doing . . . and we will eternally praise Him for it."

"So pray without ceasing and eagerly await what God does in and through these prayers."

Amen!

God's promises are Good!  They are True!  They never fail!  And so my heart is encouraged and will continue to push aside this selfish pit that wants me to curl up on the couch, forget responsibility, and be able to wave my "magic wand" and get whatever I want right now.  

God's timing is perfect and He has never once failed to work all things together for good in our life. Life for us hasn't always been easy, but it's good, very good and we are blessed, very blessed.  Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."  Sin in this world brought cancer and infertility into our lives, brought injury and financial hardship.  Yet God has used (and is continuing to use) these things for good - our son for starters(!!), opportunities to love on people in ways that only those who have experienced infertility can, moving us closer to family, bunches of time together as a family over these last 3 years (what kid gets to have both of his parents home all the time for the first 3 years of his life?  Pretty cool.), the future adoption of more precious kiddos, and the list can go on and on....and it will!  :)

As I think about my finishing sentence to this post, I realize that my heart is happier and more peaceful than it was a half hour ago.  Thank you God for refocusing me!

I pray this post will encourage those struggling and hurting and wanting more.  Thank God for the blessings right now and petition for the rest - in thankfulness and in accordance to God's will!